MAY 19, 1995 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 27

BIG TIPS

Gardens, houseplants, and the pain of unrequited love

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

So, I finally live somewhere that I can have a garden, right? I didn't want to go overboard, but after an afternoon of toil, my housemates and I had a nice, fluffy, fertile plot, in which we laid, like babes, our starts for The Big Crop. I rubbed my hands in glee, in anticipation of the harvest. Now, considering the fact that we planted one cauliflower, one cabbage, and a few other sundry seeds and starts, imagine my horror the following afternoon when I discovered that the neighborhood cats had snacked down half the micro-farm! Aaaugh! What are your tips for the Tipper? Perhaps a very short Dobermanscarecrow? For those of you who doubt your abilities to coax life out of dirt, read this week's second letter. You never know when you might be called upon ..

Dear Ms. Martone,

I feel like I have a cinder block in my chest, and I want to cry and cry and cry, but I don't have the energy. Over the course of two years, I've slowly edged closer and closer to a woman whom I love more deeply than I've ever loved anyone. Last spring break (I'm a junior in college) we took care of a friend's house together, and being able to drink tea with her in the morning and read and listen to music together at night was heaven, but I wasn't able to tell her how I felt, because I was just too scared and she's brilliant and beautiful. It seems like the most I can hope for is to just be near her.

Well, last month, she told me that if she ever slept with a woman, it would be with a mutual friend of ours, and I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. This week they started sleeping together. I just keep praying they'll break up, but mostly I feel pathetic because I didn't say anything first. But even if I had, she probably wouldn't have chosen me, and she probably would have been horrified that I wanted her. What can I do? I feel like I've lost my friend, and the closest thing I've ever had to a lover, and I feel like a pathetic fool who can barely breathe through the lump in my throat.

Sick With Sadness

Dear Sadder Than You Can Believe,

First love, unrequited love, and jealousy all wadded up in a big yuck-ball: what could

be worse? In a note of consolation, you won't always feel this bad, but it'll take a while; maybe even a year or two to completely get over this particular woman. That doesn't mean that you'll be non-functional that long, though. If you're still feeling so bodily agonized after a few months, or if your sadness over losing her as a potential lover causes you to stay in for long periods of time, shuffle off to the health center at your school for a counseling appointment.

I've found that gestures of self-care toward yourself can build up how valuable and appealing you can feel. A long time in a tub redolent with Body Shop orange bath oil has served me better than therapy: it's relaxing, solitary, running water hides crying noises, and when you get out, you're a steaming, scrubby clean, sexy-smelling specimen.

What you do know is that you have a tremendous capacity for affection and love. Even though you will probably be hung up on love #1 for a while, keep company with other appealing women, and if anyone sweet is brave enough to ask you out, consider it. Dating isn't marriage, and any affectional padding you have between you and this Crush of Doom will give you a little distance, and confidence. Next time a hot potato comes along, hopefully you'll be able to ask her out. Good, good luck.

Dear Big Tipper,

This isn't specifically a queer question, but I'm in grave trouble, and though you might be able to help. A good friend of mine has another friend who is out of the country for six months, and I'm housesitting. It's a beautiful house, and I'm very respectful of her possessions and am keeping the house clean. The nightmare is that it's only been two months and almost all of the plants have died. I just can't remember to water them, and they look terrible. What can I do?

I'd Do Much Better with Ornamental Dried Corn

Dear Green Reaper,

As a victim of this crime of omission in the past, it's hard for me not to give you a tongue lashing (in a bad way), but I'll hold back. The pale green ghosts of all the neglected houseplants and I offer these watering tips for the criminally negligent:

Just because they don't rub around your

ankles and meow doesn't mean they're not saying they need sustenance. As soon as leaves begin to droop, give them a splash. Any time you're drinking a glass of water and have some left, pour it in a pot instead of the sink.

■If it's easier to do them all once a week at the same time, just do it right when you get up on a day off. You'll be over or underwatering some of them, but for a short time, it's better than forgetting them completely.

■ Anything in a clay pot seems to dry out in a New York minute: just drop the whole clay pot into a plastic container of a similar size (poke holes in the bottom for drainage). That'll keep the water from evaporating out of the sides so quickly. Additionally, if a plant is in a major beam o' sun, or a breeze,

it'll dry out faster. Don't be sticking them in a closet, but move them out of the way of moisture-sucking influences.

Sometimes, just picking off all of the dead leaves will reveal a plant that still looks okay. If you perform this grooming, however, and are left with a naked stalk, take the bag of dead leaves to a greenhouse, match them up, and buy new plants. Do this just a few days before the owner returns home.

Send your questions on love, life, and plant maintenance to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, Ohio 44101. On America Online, send to Chron Ohio; elsewhere on the Internet, send to chronohio@aol.com; or fax to 216621-1082.

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